RSS FeedFiled under: Comedy, Movie Reviews | Tags: Dennis Hopper, Joshua Michael Stern, Kelsey Grammer, Kevin Costner, Nathan Lane, Stanley Tucci
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Does anyone even know this movie exist in the dark ages of Batman? “If Swing Vote bombs in the movie theaters, but no one is there to watch it, will it even matter?”
The Waterworld guy, Keven Costner, acts all Billy Bob Thornton in this movie. Movie portrayals of white trash somehow soothes my soul.
- Hien
Filed under: Action, Movie Reviews | Tags: Brendan Fraser, Jet Li, John Hannah, Maria Bello, Michelle Yeoh, Rob Cohen
I’m confused. From what I understand, there is no mummy in this movie, only Brendan Fraser. I understand that they want to keep the name to ensure that people will actually watch this sequel but there is no mummy even though they keep repeating “mummy.” Instead, there is an army of clay pot soldiers lead by Jet Li. I don’t understand why that strikes fear in people…it’s clay. Cookie jars are made from the same stuff.
For the title alone. It’s like a celebration of the integration of two cultures.
- Hien
Filed under: Movie Reviews, Suspense/Thriller | Tags: Amanda Peet, Billy Connolly, Callum Keith Rennie, David Duchovny, Gillian Anderson, Xzibit
I WANT TO BELIEVE that this will be good. I WANT TO BELIEVE that it will contain creepy elements like Indian amputees on wooden wagons and cockaroaches that crawl into your skin, but it just looks like the usual generic alien-government-conspiracy-plot again. Pffffttt. And their “creepiest” clip in the commercial is when that old hippy’s eyes bleed black tears. That is so passé. Everyone cries black tears now from Japanese dead girls to that “Mexican” (pretty sure she’s not Mexican) mutant on Heroes. Hell, I can cry black tears too, that’s why there’s waterproof mascara.
Um, recommended for X-Files fans and admirers of Dana Sculley. Right on guys and lesbians, she got rid of that mom haircut! Maybe now Agent Molder will want to have sex with her.
- Hien
Filed under: Action, Movie Reviews | Tags: Doug Jones, Guillermo del Toro, Jeffrey Tambor, Ron Perlman, Selma Blair, Seth MacFarlane
Oh del Toro, how I have followed your career. Your pudgy Micheal Moore-ish face is so capable of causing involuntary bladder release. Niko says that Hellboy’s lines in the commercials are corny. I’d say Hellboy is suppose to have the maturity of a teenager and come on man, teenagers are just corny. I remember the days when I use to write emo poetry about death and bitches and revenge while dying my self-cut hair with Manic Panic. Don’t worry kiddies, it’s not angst that you’re experiencing, it’s because you’re a virgin. Your day will finally cum (heh, get it?).
I’m a del Toro fan. Also, I know that we all secretly love staring at fantastical physical deformities as we sneer and protect the nearest child. No one creates hideous creatures better than del Toro and plus, it’s in movie form. It’s ok to be afraid and stare.
- Hien
Filed under: Action, Movie Reviews | Tags: Aaron Eckhart, Christian Bale, Gary Oldman, Heath Ledger, Maggie Gyllenhaal, Michael Caine, Morgan Freeman
Apparently, as many readers have pointed out to me, I was horrendously wrong about Hancock. A homeless superhero somehow did not entertain. Maybe the smell of crusted-cheesy-hobo emanated from the movie screen, but I believe that if I grant The Dark Knight a rating lower than 4, it will cause even more anxiety. One noteworthy aspect of this movie is how they swapped a questionably “hot” girl (Katie Holmes) for another questionably “hot” girl (Maggie Gyllenhaal). I know the new series of Batman movies are suppose to be all deep and “complex” but is it necessary to force people to reevaluate their hot meters? Seriously man, it’s going to make me start dishing out 9’s to Kristen Dunst and 5’s to Sandra Oh and then oh no, look what happens, humans have stopped selectively mating and then civilization ends cause we’re all now a bunch of stupid ugly gimps…
5, the Joker (Heath Ledger, R.I.P. gee thanks MARY KATE) is super scary and this is also to make up for Hancock.
-Hien
Filed under: Movie Reviews, Musical | Tags: Amanda Seyfried, Colin Firth, Meryl Streep, Pierce Brosnan, Stellan Skarsgard
A bastard girl invites three men who slept with her whore rebellious mom to her wedding in hopes that one of them is her father. I did enjoy the Maury Povich episodes that showcased teen sluts who would invite men to take paternity tests. It was even better when the fifth guy turned out to not be the one. Darwin’s theory of natural selection seems less plausible when Loosey Goosey Ho-Bags spreads her legs so willingly to all who dare to swim through that Gonorrhea tunnel.
Anyways, Mamma Mia is like a Maury Povich episode with an Abba soundtrack. It definitely cannot be that bad.
-Hien
Filed under: Action, Movie Reviews | Tags: Charlize Theron, Eddie Marsan, Jason Bateman, Peter Berg, Will Smith
A homeless superhero, aye? Who also HAPPENS to be black…Although, I could not imagine Hancock as any other ethnicity. He could be white I guess but that would produce less lovable results. He could be Mexican but people would just assume he’s a day laborer if he sits anywhere. He could be Asian but that’s just not believable. A homeless Asian? Bitch please, there’s always nails.
I happen to think I witnessed a real-life Hancock before from the patio of a bar. Lives were not saved or did DUI flying occur, the cockeyed bum just did a series of back flips and front flips like a gymnast down the middle of the street for five dollars (that’s how much the drunken pool of money amounted to). I really have very little criticisms for Hancock. Drunk, homeless superheroes appeal to my cynical side and white pretty ladies, Charlize Theron, completes what I expect from a Hollywood film. It’s so good I want to drool.
Five, the holy grail of Punch and Us ratings. Pretentiousness aside, the commercial has proven to me that Hancock is the definition of a blockbuster.
- Hien
(Niko is on a very long vacation. So, hold on to the strings of your boxer shorts. Also, we’re working on our site, to be moved to an actual domain that we paid real money for–not with our usual Monopoly bills).
Filed under: Comedy, Movie Reviews | Tags: Anne Hathaway, Steve Carell, The Rock (Dwayne Johnson)
There’s no way Hollywood is going to convince me that Anne Hathaway is hot AND tough (there’s something about the huge eyes, wide mouth and pasty skin). That combination only works on cyclops. She is cute, in the same way Rugrats were cute, but Rugrats didn’t try to convince us that they are secret agents. Now, Steve Carell and The Rock, that’s more believable, but it’s probably because I grew up on Inspector Gadget and James Bond movies. Also, Angelina Jolie has ruined my image of female spies forever. I expect them to be pouty with defined shoulders and have columns of squiggly lines for tattoos. Then again, I’m also convinced that God looks like Morgan Freeman, but I will never let the media brainwash me into believing that Anne Hathaway is hot. Never! Well….maybe in Brokeback Mountain…
Espionage with plenty of hijinks and action scenes. This is what the summer-movie-crowd likes.
-Hien
Filed under: Comedy, Movie Reviews | Tags: Jessica Alba, Justin Timberlake, Mike Myers, Steven Colbert, Verne Troyer
Indians are funny. There’s bindis, and accents, and curry smells, and Ganesh. Small people are funny too with their toddler-sized shoes and helium voices but somehow The Love Guru seems very unfunny. The only good reason to watch this movie is to see Jessica Alba’s side boob like in Good Luck Chuck, but there’s no indication of that in the commercial. Well, if not you could always try to strip your fat male friend. A side boob is a side boob.
Two, because there might be side boob.
- Hien
If this is suppose to be Earth 700 years into the future, then why does Wall-E look so much like R.O.B., the Nintendo robot? Then again, big eyes on a stout body melts all hearts, e.g. babies. Wall-E is another animation gem from Pixar, the makers of Finding Nemo. Regardless of being completely alone with no supervisors or moms, he hasn’t stop performing the same task he was programmed to when Earth was actually populated with other beings. He also has developed human characteristics–a personality and the capacity for love. An animated robot is turning out to be a better human than I am. I went hungry once during my college years because the dining hall was too far of a walk. But, I do share one commonality with Wall-E. I, too, am in love with an Egg Vibrator.
Animated robots who find love in a dystopia–how could it be bad?
- Hien
