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Does anyone even know this movie exist in the dark ages of Batman? “If Swing Vote bombs in the movie theaters, but no one is there to watch it, will it even matter?”

The Waterworld guy, Keven Costner, acts all Billy Bob Thornton in this movie. Movie portrayals of white trash somehow soothes my soul.

- Hien

Touting around “From the guys who brought you Superbad” sets the bar pretty damn high for Pineapple Express. It’s funny enough, but comparing the dynamic between Jonah Hill and Michael Cera to Seth Rogen and James Franco is like crisp apples to oranges a little further on the ripening process. Unlike the subtlety that defined Superbad, Pineapple Express‘ humor is obvious almost to the extent of Will Ferrell & Co.

Oh, and you see that cop lady? Rosie Perez is back, bitches.

Stoner hijinks are always a safe bet for hearty laughs. And neck cast guy is looking to be scene stealer, but he ain’t no McLovin.

- Niko

I’m confused. From what I understand, there is no mummy in this movie, only Brendan Fraser. I understand that they want to keep the name to ensure that people will actually watch this sequel but there is no mummy even though they keep repeating “mummy.” Instead, there is an army of clay pot soldiers lead by Jet Li. I don’t understand why that strikes fear in people…it’s clay. Cookie jars are made from the same stuff.

For the title alone. It’s like a celebration of the integration of two cultures.

- Hien

Two divorcees find the ability to love again as they find they share many things in common. One being that they both fail in the parenting department. Enter their respective sons: Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly. I don’t know who belongs to whom, but the mother had to have popped out one of them … at, like, what, seven?! Even then, Botox can only do so much, and certainly not enough if one had to raise such a terror. And less convincing is the humor. But I’m no pessimist. I can see the silver lining. The days of obnoxious, unoriginal teenagers ruining Will Ferrell gold have come to an end.

The standard fare of any commercial for a movie starring Will Ferrell is to give people a universal inside-joke to tide them over until it opens; and the best they can do is, “Hello, Ms. Lady”?! Unacceptable.
- Niko

I WANT TO BELIEVE that this will be good. I WANT TO BELIEVE that it will contain creepy elements like Indian amputees on wooden wagons and cockaroaches that crawl into your skin, but it just looks like the usual generic alien-government-conspiracy-plot again. Pffffttt. And their “creepiest” clip in the commercial is when that old hippy’s eyes bleed black tears. That is so passé. Everyone cries black tears now from Japanese dead girls to that “Mexican” (pretty sure she’s not Mexican) mutant on Heroes. Hell, I can cry black tears too, that’s why there’s waterproof mascara.

Um, recommended for X-Files fans and admirers of Dana Sculley. Right on guys and lesbians, she got rid of that mom haircut! Maybe now Agent Molder will want to have sex with her.

- Hien

Oh del Toro, how I have followed your career. Your pudgy Micheal Moore-ish face is so capable of causing  involuntary bladder release.  Niko says that Hellboy’s lines in the commercials are corny. I’d say Hellboy is suppose to have the maturity of a teenager and come on man, teenagers are just corny. I remember the days when I use to write emo poetry about death and bitches and revenge while dying my self-cut hair with Manic Panic. Don’t worry kiddies, it’s not angst that you’re experiencing, it’s because you’re a virgin. Your day will finally cum (heh, get it?).

I’m a del Toro fan. Also, I know that we all secretly love staring at fantastical physical deformities as we sneer and protect the nearest child. No one creates hideous creatures better than del Toro and plus, it’s in movie form. It’s ok to be afraid and stare.
- Hien

With two summer action flicks, it’s no surprise that Brendan Fraser looks the same in this and The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor. But if he could manage a wardrobe change between sets, then maybe he could also part his hair other than in the middle or even slick it back. In any case, our favorite Encino man is brought back to his roots as him and his family fall to the Earth’s core, which looks a lot like the Stone Age. (Okay, humans never lived alongside dinosaurs, but I wanted to make the reference.)

This is your typical fun-for-the-whole-family adventure; however…

… for also being in eye-popping 3d. Who’s not a sucker for that? If you’re to watch this movie, this is the only way. Mind-altering drugs optional, but highly recommended.
- Niko

Apparently, as many readers have pointed out to me, I was horrendously wrong about Hancock. A homeless superhero somehow did not entertain. Maybe the smell of crusted-cheesy-hobo emanated from the movie screen, but I believe that if I grant The Dark Knight a rating lower than 4, it will cause even more anxiety. One noteworthy aspect of this movie is how they swapped a questionably “hot” girl (Katie Holmes) for another questionably “hot” girl (Maggie Gyllenhaal). I know the new series of Batman movies are suppose to be all deep and “complex” but is it necessary to force people to reevaluate their hot meters? Seriously man, it’s going to make me start dishing out 9′s to Kristen Dunst and 5′s to Sandra Oh and then oh no, look what happens, humans have stopped selectively mating and then civilization ends cause we’re all now a bunch of stupid ugly gimps…

5, the Joker (Heath Ledger, R.I.P. gee thanks MARY KATE) is super scary and this is also to make up for Hancock.
-Hien

A bastard girl invites three men who slept with her whore rebellious mom to her wedding in hopes that one of them is her father. I did enjoy the Maury Povich episodes that showcased teen sluts who would invite men to take paternity tests. It was even better when the fifth guy turned out to not be the one. Darwin’s theory of natural selection seems less plausible when Loosey Goosey Ho-Bags spreads her legs so willingly to all who dare to swim through that Gonorrhea tunnel.

Anyways, Mamma Mia is like a Maury Povich episode with an Abba soundtrack. It definitely cannot be that bad.
-Hien

Three chimps are set to become astronauts; following the archetypes of the spastic underdog, duh-headed leader (most likely voiced by the same guy who played Kronk in The Emperor’s New Groove), and level-headed, but forgettable female who all get involved in a love triangle… in space. One can only hope references are made toward the diaper-sporting Lisa Nowak (better known as the Crazy Astronaut). C’mon, monkeys fling poo, it’s just so obvious!

I am one to normally hate on how played out 3d-animated breakdancing is and dock points accordingly, but pop-locking to the Beverly Hills Cop theme song wins.
- Niko